Increasing Disinterest Disheartens Direly

There was once a time when I felt I had limitless energy and ambition to do the things I loved. I took pride and joy in doing these things, and I made progress, consistently having something to show my friends and family. I would create art, computer games, and music. I would write stories and share them with everyone who would read them. I did these things simply for the love of them, and I asked for no compensation.

But then, I graduated high school. I never did well in school, preferring to work on projects of my own instead of doing school work. I would often bring my projects to class and work on them, as it looked like I was studiously scribbling notes. After high school, I thought it would be a good idea to go directly to college and get one of those new-fangled Game Design degrees. I somehow felt that such a school would be different, and would hold my attention. This was back when such a degree was almost unheard of, and every backwater school wasn't trying to shove them down the throats of the gullible.

Neither me, nor my family had a lot of money, but that was OK, because the economy was good, and loan giants like Sallie Mae were handing out loans to anyone who asked. My student loans not only paid for my tuition, but also my housing and supplies. I lived a ways away from the classrooms, so I had to take a train every day. Well, without much cash flow, I soon found myself often unable to pay for my train fare. I was hungry, sleep deprived, and I was missing classes. So one day I went home to see my parents one summer, and didn't go back. The loan sharks latched on to me and began to drain me dry. The economy was taking a turn for the worst, and they wanted their money back. Well, I didn't have it, and no entry-level Wal-Mart position could cover the cost.

I was a little depressed at this point, but not clinically or anything. I slipped into a routine. Work, eat, sit in front of the computer, sleep, repeat. Every other day or so I would go to a friends house and BS about everything. I wasn't long until I got the desire to create stuff again, but something was different.

I would sit in front of the computer, or sit with a sketchbook in my lap. I would sit, and stare, and not create anything. I had the desire to create, but it seemed that I had lost the will. My creative juices had successfully stopped flowing.

I was not happy. Instead of creating, I would just waste time on a slow dial-up connection or talk about nothing with my friends. I would waste my money on new things, including stuff that I thought would help me to create again, but nothing worked. I would try and force myself, but I would get disgusted at the result and throw it away. This was a situation I never fully recovered from.

My lack of creative desire wasn't the only thing that seemed to be broken. I couldn't even enjoy videogames as much as I used to. I was still able to play a few remarkable titles that hit me a certain way, but I could no longer sit and just play any game all the way through.

Today, it's six years later and while I've had some improvement, I'm still suffering the effects. I cannot bring myself to make a game for the life of me, no matter how hard I try. Every game I start creating I destroy in disgust. It's a stretch to get me to draw, though I keep a sketchbook in case I feel the need, the need hits infrequently and I'm quite rusty now. I've turned to other mediums like sculpture or papercraft to try and ingite the creative flame again, but nothing seems to affect me like it used to. What I can make shows that I still have some talent left, but I never feel like using it, so it goes to waste.

Today, I'm married with a son, and I work full time so my time is occupied more than it used to be. I have priorities to be sure. But those idle moments. Those moments I would ordinarily fill with a whirlwind of creation have gone stagnant. I find myself stumbling randomly around the internet in search of something that doesn't exist. My bookmarks folder is filled with sites about graphic design, game creation and gaming, but I spend more time reading about this stuff than actually doing it. I still have less desire to play games than I used to, and I find it's a stretch to even finish a first person shooter.

I still want to do these things. They constantly fill my mind and conversation daily, but my desire to do them has been crippled.

I want to change this sad fate. I want to get up and do something about it. I don't want to let it consume me any longer.

First, let's examine my lifestyle. It's rather sedintary, to be sure. I get up, but only when I have to. I get up for work, family, or any errands that need to be ran, but I procrastinate until the last minute on all fronts. I am somewhat overweight, and I don't get enough sleep. I often sleep well into the afternoon, but only because I stay up until the wee hours of the morning searching for nothing on the internet. I am usually disorganized, scatterbrained, but in good spirits nonetheless.

I cannot rely on my own power of will to change this habitual cycle, so I'll create an ideal system and force myself into it to the best I can. I'm using my cellphone's datebook to create a schedule which has alarms that go off and inform me of when it's time to do something.

The first thing I shall change is my sleeping habits. I've set an alarm to go off at 9am every morning, and this is what time I shall wake up, whether I need to or not. This should force me to need to sleep earlier, and should balance itself out. The reason I'm not setting a bedtime is because I would most likely lie awake in bed for hours. Instead, I'll wake up at the same time every morning and go to sleep when I'm tired. I should fall asleep faster this way as well, and break the cycle of sleeping in until mid-afternoon.

I've also input when to get ready for work. An alarm will go off an hour, and a half hour before work, signalling when I should get ready, and when I should go. This will consistently get me there 10-15 minutes early each time if I follow it correctly.

All other things I don't plan to schedule, but I do plan to create a daily to-do list, in order of importance. In these lists, I will not only list things that need to be done, but also things I want to do. When it's time to sit down and draw something, I will sit down and force myself to draw something, anything. I will do this every day until it becomes more natural and I get back into it.

I also plan to add deadlines. If I start a project, I will add deadlines for getting along in the project. This should add a sense of urgency, thus giving me the drive to do it.

I don't expect this to be a miracle cure, but it's worth a shot. I figure imposing militaristic discipline techniques upon myself has to kick me in the rear at least somewhat. Here's hoping.